Listening Fiercely When You are Angry
Pat
Anger is an emotion that we have been taught is to be suppressed, denied, and cast aside. It has even been labeled as a negative emotion.
What Erin, Lauren, and I have been immersed in for the last several years has been bringing it out of the darkness and into the light.
One of the ways we've been doing this is to listen fiercely to one another, to ourselves, and to the anger itself. The gifts that we have unearthed in this process are sprinkled throughout the guide book.
If something is cast aside to live in the darkness, as anger has been, how do we welcome it out to live in the light of day?
Probably the most effective way is to listen fiercely to the anger. A model for listening fiercely has been central to our process of extricating anger from the cultural bondage in which it has resided. It has been seen as a negative emotion that should be denied at all costs. This is particularly true for privileged white women.
The following is a model of fierce listening created, developed, and used over decades of listening as a psychotherapist. The word fierce is an acronym that is helpful in remembering the six aspects of fierce listening.
F stands for FOCUSING. The task of the listener is to maintain focus or full attention on the speaker.
I stands for INTERVALS. This takes discipline and patience. This asks for the listener to remain quiet, attentive, and focused even though the speaker has stopped speaking. This is quite counterintuitive to our normal, conversational style of communicating with one another. This allows space for silence, and for more to arise.Â
E represents ERASE EGO. This prompt invites the listener to be aware of any thoughts of judgment of either the speaker or oneself.
R represents RELINQUISHING the stage to the speaker. This style of listening suggests that the listener give the speaker the same level of attention that one would give a performer on stage.
C is about CURIOSITY. Holding an open mind and being curious about whatever it is that the speaker is sharing. The curiosity is helpful in avoiding judgment.
E this is a prompt for EXPANSIVE sense of time. Fierce listening is only possible when there is adequate time to listen fully without the energy of feeling rushed.